so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
