smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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