I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nutella sex= disaster
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
