We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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