I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
