My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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