watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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