I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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