Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
