we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pants are for mortals
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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