i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
