Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
