Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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