I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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