happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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