You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My feet surprised me
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