If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
