Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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