Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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