dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
