If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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