Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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