I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
