Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
