life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
