Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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