I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
