I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
