woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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