Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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