I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
