gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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