Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
