I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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