Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
