Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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