hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
