dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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