I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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