I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
