How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
