She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
