i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
