i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
