He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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