No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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