Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
