Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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