i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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