when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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